Is it “in” or “on”? I don’t actually care.

After a week-long bender, I drank two nights in a row so that counts as a bender(?), I am finally getting back on track. Honestly, it wasn’t even the alcohol that messed me up (I’m legal you narcs) it’s all the crazy food I’ve been eating. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking love food. The kind that’s bad for me most especially but I’ve eaten like one too many kales and now my body rejects me and it when I consume anything bad more than one day in a week. I don’t even know if I have had a fucking vegetable in like two weeks.

No wonder my body is screaming both internally and externally. If you could hear what the CIA agent assigned to me heard me say to Brittany and Rae Saturday before going out you would stop reading this blog (do you even read it now?)(you should sign up for our emails.) So, I went grocery shopping and bought like 6 different vegetable types, humus, even a fruit or two, and guess what…ya girl got kombucha.

Saturday was crazy, I consumed way more alcohol than I’m used to and can I be honest? I feel more attacked by people when I consume a can of Coca Cola (my one truth) than when I don’t want alcohol. I did want alcohol this time but just generally Coca Cola lovers are valid and you can’t take that away from me or us. Wow, this post is a #wild one.

After taking like 8 dissociation showers in two and a half days, I finally feel ready for the week. Kidding, could you imagine? My body is literally in the midst of an internal rejuvenation and I need to take a quiz? Fuck that noise. Want to know how drunk I was Saturday? I had a Ben Affleck dream so vivid I woke up mad and allowed myself to spend my hard-earned coin$ on Dunkin Donuts coffee and a Subway foot long. I didn’t realize my depressive behavior until right at this moment and it’s a cry for help.

In more positive and empowering news, I am watching Scandal since it’s the last season I guess and I just want to take a poll. Are we more team Fitz or team Jake? Or do we agree that both are trash and the only positive thing to come out of this show is the genuinely evil Papa Pope. Papa Pope makes Frank Underwood (House of Cards)(am I not allowed to talk about Kevin Spacey related things anymore? Just checking.) look like Sid from Toy Story. I’m gonna post an actual poll on my Insta story about all of this so make sure to check that out.

In “Things I Learned to Do This Year”, I can cut and clean a pineapple. It’s not easy but it’s also not hard. If that makes sense. Do you think, if I consume Holy Water, my body will stop acting out giving me Ben Affleck fever dreams and sore elbows and shit. I need to see a professional about this but I thought I would ask our loyal readers first.

Here is to the week ahead and hoping that racist Gary Oldman doesn’t win an Oscar.

👑


Featured Image:
Tag yourself — I’m the girl behind me judging me for the squat.

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